Contentment, Where Are You?

Before, I always thought being content isn't as good as people make it sound like. Contented people stay where they are, they lack ambition, they are stuck and do not make something better out of their lives (generally speaking). 

When I landed my first job in Seattle, at Taco Bell, I refused to be contented. I cannot do Taco Bell my whole life. It was frustrating to think I went to school for so long and only to land a job at Taco Bell. Maybe it hit my ego or whatever (I definitely am sure it hit my pride) but I really wanted out of there. I went home and looked for a job and found one. I stayed longer than intended. Soon enough I left to fly back here at Washington again. The job I landed there did not do me good either. Yes, I was not contented.

I got back here and landed a job at a testing center. Working there, makes me feel like "please, kill me now". I cannot wait to quit, but I can't just yet because they are already short of people as it is. I am totally unhappy there that I only gave them my Saturdays and my Fridays I took and gave to Taco Bell, the job I left about a year ago because I refused to be stuck there. This time is different though. I work there not because I have to, thankfully I have a full time concierge job that I do not hate to answer my financial needs. Working back at Taco Bell is more for a past time now, and social life I guess? I did gain friends during my time there. 

Second Friday back at Taco Bell was stressful because of the inspection and the presence of the big boss, but other than that, time flew and before I knew it I am home relaxing. I dread the long and slow day at the testing center tomorrow. Sure they pay more, but I am blessed that now I do not have the need for it anymore. 

I have strayed quite far from the topic at hand: contentment. Lol. I tend to do that a lot, get sidetracked. Anyhow, I think it is sad that I do not find contentment in any of the three jobs I have now. I am thankful though that I do not hate my full time job and I can quit the job I hate at anytime. But this being not content also tells me that I am ambitious, I know I can do more. I guess that is a good thing? I just pray the Lord will grant my perseverance and strength to follow through my being ambitious. 

Tired Feet, Aching Back, and Sleepy Eyes, 

Allie

Homesick

Sometimes it is hard to keep my sanity in a place so far away and so different from home.  I try to cope and adjust, but sometimes I fall back and crumble.  Tears flow, chest burns, and I know in myself, that I am not home. 

I am thankful I am with family, they pull me back to sanity when I feel like I am losing it.  What I would not give to be home, making a life there and just being. 

Update Post

Long time no update yes?  Aside from having no space before (when we used to still live at our uncle's place), there was barely time.  Now that I have the space (sort of) because we moved already (praise Jesus!), I don't have the laptop and barely have time for it.

So my laptop I gave to my sister before I went back home to the Philippines after Christmas holidays, and the one I have been using ever since was my old Acer laptop which resurrected from retirement.  My old 2006 Acer lappy cannot connect to the connection setting at our new place because it has been left behind from technology.  I am seriously considering saving up for a Mac, but that is really not a priority right now.  It has actually been a while since I have been online via laptop, I have been using my iPad mini and iPhone for all that.  You can imagine it isn't as easy typing down my rant with those keypads.

So just a quick update:

• I work at Prometric Testing Center as a Test Center Administrator, hire date: April 17, 2013.  I do not like the job, I actually hate it and I am working up the nerve to tell my supervisor that I want to quit. 
• I work at Aegis Living as a Concierge, hire date: June 24, 2013.  The job is way better than the TCA job and I am thankful for the schedule, 4 10-hour days. 
• I just very recently decided to go back and work for Taco Bell, hire date: July 26, 2013.  Told you it was very recent.  1 day a week, 10 hours.  Just for the fun of it.  I miss the labor, the people I used to work with.  They pay is low compared to the TCA job, but I'll take it over that.  It isn't always about the money. :) 

• I have started to process my petition for my boyfriend's fiance visa, mid June.  Now, the waiting game. 
• Did I mention we moved?  Our own small place, but at least we get the space and privacy.  I cannot complain. 
• I have become more financially independent.  I have to start, I am already 23 years old for crying out loud! 

So that is the quick update in bullet form.  Today I started to put acrylic oil on canvass again.  The outcome wasn't pleasing, but I keep in mind I can only get better by practice. :)

I am still seriously thinking about going back to school, but I don't know what course to take yet and I don't think I have saved enough to be able to comfortably provide for myself and my education. HA! Hearing myself talk so mature makes me want to puke a bit.  I honestly still have to remind myself I am not longer a teenager.

I have been reading again too!  The library here is awesome.  I have been going to the Lynnwood library, borrowing books and scanning / printing stuff for FREE!  Oh boy, this is now probably long enough?  Well, I have  a lot more to rant about and hopefully I will have more time for that in the coming days!  Did I mention I really want to quit the TCA job? :p YES!

from the upper apartment,

J a.k.a. Allie

  

2013

Well it's the start of another year and I'm slacking off my blogging while I am here in the US. *excuses*

Downloaded this for free, although the reviews weren't very encouraging. I'm still hoping it will work for me because otherwise I might result to actually purchasing this other app. And I hate spending. I would probably do so more loosely if I am earning dollars for myself.

Well, I am hoping I can keep up the blogging for this year. I will start with back posting blog entries when I get back to Cebu. Right now, my mind is yet again entertaining the idea of going back to Tumblr just because it has a well-supported app compared to blogger and Wordpress. (Or so I feel.) I hate how I keep going back and forth with these blog sites, why can't I just stay put?!

Cheers to a good year ahead! :)

// I see how images are all the way at the bottom and I can't seem to move them to any other part of the post. Minor problem there for a free app.i can easily edit that when I get on a computer (or so I hope). So far so good for this app, but I hope they get the whole thing with the image a fix. :) Might drop them a line to find a fix. :D Or am I going about this app the wrong way? But I doubt that, I would like to believe I am "techy-er" than your average Jane Doe. ;)

Of Boxing and Religion

So last Sunday, while I was sound asleep, Manny Pacquiao, the Philippine boxing pride, lost the fight on the 6th round with a knock out. Bummer. 

You win some, you lose some. Can't win them all. People were with him during his victory, they should be with him as well in this loss. At least he admitted that he was overconfident (so I heard). 

I woke up to all this ruckus on Facebook about the fight. A lot of them were down. Even a few pathetic statuses blaming Manny's change of religion.  

Earlier today, boyfriend showed me a video of Aling Dionisia (Manny's mom) going about "Wanted Pastore Louie" and how it is this Pastor's fault Manny lost. That video really pissed me off. It was annoying to see her broadcast her idiosyncratic ranting to thousands and thousands of viewers. She should be careful what she says, she might just start a fight. 

I posted on Facebook: "Manny lost diay? Tsk. Meanwhile, I was sound asleep while all this was going on." and my cousin mentioned: "and a lot of people are blaming Religion of his failure." I again replied, "and so i read, but religion is but man made haha. Your intimacy in the relationship with Jesus is between you and Him, and no one has the right to judge that. :)". He also replied with, "well I have read too, something about rosary and Mama Mary thing, kay he wasn't doing the sign of the cross thing kay he shifted his faith something like that... did I choose the right word? shifted hahaha". And in comes my over religious grandmother's sister with a comment: "Ah! Ah!!!!!" I mean seriously, what does that even mean? Knowing her, it must be a negative reaction to my comment. And in an attempt to taunt her, "kita ka sa interview ni dionisia Marco Antonio Ang Barcelo? haha "wanted pastor luoie" (or unsa ba toh?) haha gamayag utok." ("did you see the interview of Dionisia? haha "wanted pastor luoie" (or whatever?) haha. She has a small brain.") Or I meant to say how narrow minded she was, but small brain describes her just fine as well, especially in our dialect. I just now, added in a link to the video on the thread of comments and expressing my disgust. 

This reminds me about my post on Facebook about wanting to have a Tattoo, I should dig it up and blog it too, maybe tomorrow. Anyways, narrow minded, close minded people, who think they are better than others really just annoys me. Annoys me so much, almost to the bones really. And these will include a few of my overly religious relatives, sadly.

Justin Beiber posting up stupid stuff on his Instagram didn't help the Filipino pride either. I get that he has his right to express his opinions and "joke", but he should really be careful with his status and all. I hope all his Filipino fans turn their backs on him, even just for a short while to teach him a lesson. 

Point of my rant is, why in the world are they blaming religion? It could be Manny didn't have the same drive to win and that it isn't as important to him anymore as before. I mean before when he was Catholic and seen as sort of religious, he was still gambling and cheating on his wife with all these different women with all his money. Maybe now that he's a changed man he doesn't feel the need to win all the time, maybe he doesn't think as worldly as he did, and maybe he spent more time reading the bible and preaching than practicing and preparing for boxing. See what I did there? I assumed. Not even assumed, I just put out possible scenarios out there, which are more likely reasons than other people's reasons that he didn't make the sign of the cross or pray the rosary. Seriously. I have nothing against people who pray the rosary and people with other beliefs, but it just annoys me when people talk trash on other people's beliefs and religion. I mean respect begets respect. Frustrates me how some people think. I know we all don't think alike, we are all different, but this is just something that frustrates me: people who are close minded and people who force their beliefs and religion on other people. And those who look down on people who don't see the same way they do. Annoying really!

Where do I go from here?

I have friends pursuing careers, batch mates getting married or engaged, and a few venturing into their own businesses. What about me? 

A lot of people have wondered why I am here when I can be in the states. Some people think it's silly how a few do anything just so they can get out of here and yet here I am, willing and on my own choosing to stay. People assume that I am here for my boyfriend, I partly am and I will be lying if I deny it, but I have a deeper reason as well. I am here because, as I have mentioned before, I want a taste of independence. 

I could have stayed in New York when we visited last December, or could have moved to Minnesota with my uncle and grandmother (okay, maybe not), or maybe stayed in California with relatives. I did not and do not like Seattle as much as I am supposed to and I also wanted to try and get away from my family. I love my family dearly, but I feel as though I need to be away to feel independent and to feel the way a twenty something year old person should feel. 

My parents said if I wanted to live in a different state, they would rather have me be back here, at home- where we have a house, a car, and a house help. Basically, I am all set-up here as oppose to staying at a different state. Plus, this place is more predictable to us, being as we have lived here for most of our lives. But as I am here, I honestly do not feel as independent as I expected to feel. Sure I pay for my gas, my eat-outs, my movies, my "shopping", and all else, but my father still pays for electricity, water, and food at home. And even with that I am not able to save as much as I should have. Gas is burning up my wallet really, and plus my wanting to not stay home at an empty house is adding to my expenses as well. 

I signed up at Citigym, and that has been keeping me occupied for the past few weeks. It is where I spend my times alone when boyfriend is working. I have been attending yoga, cardio kickboxing, and zumba classes. I am enjoying yoga more than expected. My month at the gym is almost up and I will be leaving for the holidays soon. 

So now, the question and crossroads I am face with: Where do I go from here? When I go to the states for the holidays, a lot of people are expecting me not to come back. I do not want to either if I find a good and stable job while I am in the US but I want to come back to formally end things with the company, if ever. But honestly, I really do not like my job. The company is fine, it is the job I cannot stand. It is a very easy "technical support engineer" job that makes me feel useless and unimportant to the company. In my resume, I wrote under objective: "To secure a position in a reliable company where I will be able to utilize my organizational skills, improve my competency in the array of skills I currently possess, and to have the privilege of learning and growing as a professional individual. And to be a valued and effective employee, able to deliver and excel in what is asked for." But I do not feel like I am growing here. A lot of idle time, sure I can use to learn to code if I really wanted to, but in the wee hours I am working in it is just harder. Makes me wonder if I really want to code. I believe if you really want something, you find a way to get it and use all means available to you. Coding just does not come as naturally to me. It can get frustrating, it has been frustrating. 

So for the third time, as I keep derailing my thoughts from the subject at hand: Where do I go from here? I can stay in the US, find a stable job, and petition Elwin. I can come back, continue until I reach one year and ask to be transferred to the California office and if not quit, or I can try something else like a different career path. All these possibilities and more have been playing in my mind. I was thinking of pursuing something in the advertising department, administrative department, and even going back to school for a master's degree or a different course? Then again, there is the matter of money. I will just pray God's will be made clear to me and that I will be walking on the path He chose for me. 

I am blessed I have all these options available to me, but it is currently giving me a headache. I do not know what to choose and what to do. Uncertainty is always frustrating, all the more at this point in my life because what I choose could be or is a defining moment. I guess I thought venting it all out on here would help. I think it did, I hope it did. 

I Am Not Fond Of My Job

I am currently listening to The Beatles - Hello Goodbye for the third, going on fourth time today. 

I posted this Youtube video up on my Facebook wall thinking a good friend would be leaving for Dubai to work there for two years. Fortunately, her agency called that her ticket hasn't arrived yet so her trip is postponed to Monday. A few more days to spend with her. :) I was going to blog about my good friend, but let me do that on Monday or so.

Let me rant about my work. Lately I have been very bored with work. I am happy and thankful I have this job; I like the company I work for, I just do not share the same enthusiasm with the job I have. I work as technical support engineer. People instantly think it is a call center job, but thankfully it is not. It however is not a far cry from one. 

I tried to like the job, tried to love it, but it gets frustrating when there are things you do not entirely understand, and even more so when there are things people assume you already get. I would like to clarify that we were not given proper and formal training, even our supervisor has acknowledged this and apologized for it. I am trying to understand things as I go but it is not healthy at all that I do not have a clear black and white picture as to things I should know in order to perform well with the given job. I just wish they gave us time, sat down with us, and clarify things as oppose to us just assuming things as we go. Maybe then I will be confident in my job and in what I do. I know they have provided us with documents to go through, but as I have mentioned time and time again, I am not one for self-learning. Sorry, it is just hard for me and I know it is no excuse, but I am just saying. Plus, it is always better to learn hands-on and be guided as we go. Also, the people I work with have their own techniques in doing things which sometimes is contradicting to that of the other person with the same job. I can not say who I should follow. One time I had to work alone after two weeks of so called "training" (which did not even cover half of what I needed to know) and I was worried I did not know exactly what to do. I brought this up to our supervisor and all she said was: "You will learn thorugh baptism of fire." That is one way to put it. But her confidence in me somehow gave me the push to say "Yes, I can do it." 

So now I am here, two days and three months after I first started, and I already feel like I have lost the drive to keep on going and pushing myself. I was hoping after I rant on here I would feel better. At times like this I would like to remind myself that I left my family in Seattle, Washington for this. And that I should make it all worth it and learn all I can learn. And if I do not, then I would have just wasted time away from my family trying to make something of myself but ended up failing and disappointing. Scary. So now I close this and I am off to push myself to finish that trivia questions which was due last week but was extended to today because only one participant submitted an answer. 

To making it worth it, 

Allie 

//Update: Shortly after this blog was posted, after days of avoiding the trivia because I did not know where to scour the answers, I finished it. Answered and submitted! Thanks to my colleagues tip on where to find the answers! :)

Oooooh, I forgot to announce to myself (being the only sole reader of my own blog) that about two days ago, my mother asked where I would be spending my Christmas, I answered her I’d like to have it with them if it were possible and she said okay, and that I should speak to my supervisor and book a flight. YEY! So I in turn told her thanks and that I won’t be buying the Nexus 7 anymore since I’ll be flying off to them anyways. :) I miss my family. I already spent my birthday without them, hard to imagine Christmas holidays without them.

Contentment

Sometimes it is scary to be contented. Although it is generally good to be contented and happy with where you are at your life right now, sometimes being contented means being stuck.

It is nice to be contented and at the same time keeping an open mind, having ambitions, and goals in life. Sometimes we tend to be so comfortable where we are at, we forget to push ourselves to do better and we sometimes forget to dream a better life for ourselves and our family. 

I see people with potential. I work at a fastfood place, and I see people with sincerity and dedication in their work. And sometimes I wonder, why are they still here? They can earn more, live a better life, and get more benefits in other jobs, but why here?

I myself have entertained the thought of not leaving the fastfood place I work at. I really enjoy the people I work with and 

— some post stuck in my drafts. Never finished writing it. I don’t remember when I wrote this exactly. But posting it anyways. I sure rant a lot.

Appreciation

It is a very simple kind of feeling with very little effort needed, so long as it is sincere. 

I see to it that every person I genuinely appreciate, no matter how small their effort was or is, knows that they are truly appreciated. A little appreciation actually goes a long way. For all you know the person might be having a hell of a day but because of your sincere and sweet appreciative smile, it turns their mood to the opposite direction. 

When one gives, I know it is best not to expect anything in return. But of course the knowledge that your gesture has been appreciated will be nice, and is definitely something that you might have been looking forward to.

I’m just basically rambling on about this because hell- I WANT TO BE APPRECIATED TO.

Sometimes I envy the romantics. I miss the swooning and the romantic gestures. And everything that feels like the start of something…

I hate it when people sulk for petty reasons or reasons that are so inconsiderate of others. 

TEACHER

So just this Monday, our teacher returned our papers from last week's (or two weeks ago) exam. I was confident about that exam since I actually studied for it. I've been studying this semester for the objective exams, unlike before where I just had to wing it each time or cram my a*s off. 

So I was saying, I was confident about this exam, maybe only three to four mistakes since I had no clue with the three enumeration numbers. So she gave out the papers, and my confidence came tumbling down. I got a sixteen over twenty-five. A frickin' one six! I Computed for the passing grade, which wa seventy percent and it was seventeen point something, round it off and you get eighteen. I reviewed my answers, and there were two numbers that she gave me a two and three instead of a five. I checked with the book- and my answers were right! So right that I nailed the keywords and got it almost word for word.

So I approach my teacher...

Me: "Miss, what's the right answer for these two numbers? How come I got only a two and three? What keywords were you looking for?"

Teacher: ... *looks at my paper* ... "It's not the complete answer, it's right but not complete."

Me: *opens the book and shows her the answer, I underlined it* "but miss, it's what's written in the book."

Teacher: "Your answers need not to be the one written in the book."

Me: "But what are the keywords you are looking for?"

Teacher: ....

Me: "The passing is eighteen right?" *giving her the hint that she could at least give me the passing mark*

Teacher: "Yes." 

Me: "Okay thanks miss."

Now, I should have said, "So you mean to say the answer or definition written on the book, which I have written on my paper almost exactly, is not complete? Then why the hell are we using this book anyways? And as I remembered in your discussion, you referred to the books definition as well, you did not question its completeness."

Now I understand that as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the right and wrong also may vary in each person's perspective. But this was a frickin' "give the definition" question and I gave the definition as the book said it and as she discussed it! I could have gotten the twenty-two over twenty-five I deserved- but NO! So I just ranted on to my seatmates for the next subject, they said my face was turning red. And then I ranted on some more the whole day... and that whole day since I got the paper I was like this:

And I couldn't let it go because I studied my a*s off! And that was rare. The coverage to study was a lot, but the quiz was short! 

And so I picked my mum up at the office and I was beat. I ranted on to my mom and asked her to drive home, I was so tired from the emotion I had. And when we got home I told my dad about it and he was mad about it too, my mom was laughing at my frustration and how it drained all my energy. I showed him my quiz paper and the answer on the book, and he asked if I wanted him to write a letter or something, but I said it wasn't necessary and I knew I had to let it go, because our teacher was also our department's chairperson and she has helped me a lot, as in A LOT so I can advance through my curriculum. I wasn't really mad at her, I was mad at the fact that I was right but still helpless to do anything. I knew I just had to let it go, I had to. 

And now I'm actually feeling better. But writing about it brings a little frustration back, but I'll get over it soon enough. My feeling and my mom's theory was that it was my teacher's pride that was getting in the way, maybe she was embarassed that she already said the answer wasn't complete but there it was on the book. I don't know *rolls eyes*. I am hoping though that she'd secretly change my grade in her class record, I'm free to hope right? :p

Letting it go,

-allie

PS: I know scores aren't everything, I a firm believer that grades do not measure a person's intelligence, but when you're given less than what you deserved, less than what you wroked hard for, then maybe you'll understand where I'm coming from. And this wasn't the first time the teacher had more say in it than students.

PPS: Yesterday was Teacher's day! I didn't go to school but I greeted this teacher via e-mail and she replied. We're good. *fist bump*

Mixed Emotions

I just came from dad's office where parents called me and my sister to hover over the computer as my mom show us the houses they are considering for our move to the US.  As early as now, they're browsing houses we can live in. 

I have to say, seeing the photos of those houses, gave me mixed emotions.  I felt excited to start anew, start from scratch, go clutter-free in terms of material possessions, and just that feeling of jumping in a fresh start together with my family.  Also, the fear of uncertainty and missing people we leave behind, meeting strangers, adjusting to a different environment and different culture, and coping.  Like I said- mixed emotions.

Just last night my mom and dad talked things over, they are no longer buying another house here.  They seemed so strong on that decision just weeks ago up to yesterday, going places just to look at houses and checking out different neighborhoods.  They wanted to buy another house for investment, but their minds have changed.  

Change is constant.

On a different note, today me and my thesis partner Marchele submitted our Chapter 1 for our Application Design and Development this afternoon.  Our teacher was very impressed, and I have to say I'm quite impressed with ourselves as well.  We have our letter of permission to interview noted on Monday, we interviewed on Tuesday, reported regarding the interview on Wednesday, and today handed in Chapter 1.  Marchele and I are really hustling since we know if we don't move quickly now, we might be stuck come midterm and finals with all the other subjects we have.  My fear is to have every work clogged up, like last semester, everything piling up.  Next goal: to submit Chapter to by Wednesday.  Chapter 2 is a bit more tedious since we will need to deal with flowcharts.

And in all things, 

I look to my God for hope and strength.

Christmas is fast approaching, and although I believe that it's not about the gift-giving, I'm still worried I have nothing to give my family.  I'm broke.  I need to learn how to save- seriously. 

-allie  

Jaded

Photo by: Elwin Managbanag | 08.29.10 @ UC-Banilad

JADED - exactly how I've been feeling lately. This is why I was able to blog again yesterday, because I decided to skip school.

I woke up at 8am and I had class at 8:30am. So I decided to skip that class. I was already comfortable at home and I honestly was tired with school, so I decided to skip it all together. 

I was somehow productive yesterday. I was able to blog again. Also, boyfriend came by before going off to work. We had snacks together and he gave me the CAS shirt he bought for me. 

Today, I had to FORCE myself to go to school. And when I got to school, I skipped my Visual Basic lecture since I was 30 minutes late and I was embarrassed to go in so late; I was absent last meeting too because I got backed up on. I just hung out at the PSITS office (I'm our Secretary for IT by the way, for update's sake) and waited for my 12pm Visual Basic laboratory class.

My boyfriend reported in front of the class today. I wasn't able to help him prepare as I was very busy with a SAD assignment I missed. No one told me about it. You see, I've been absent in that class for 2 straight meetings, first: because of the circuits project I had to do, I didn't get any sleep so I went home to rest, and second: because I had a lazy a*s. Anyhow, crammed with the Data Dictionary. I managed to get an extension until tomorrow. Our instructor's awfully nice; she reminds me of my grandmother. 

Also, I'm starting to feel the final's rush even if pre-final examination hasn't even started yet. Visual Basic's final project has just been given out, SAD is slowly getting to be a lot more hassle, and I don't even want to think about all the other subjects. This semester has got to be most heavily loaded semester yet. But I'm not complaining (really), I did ask for this. 

So, I'm just doing what I know I have to even if I've lost interest. I hope the weekend will make me feel better. My back aches and I badly need a massage. SEMBREAK PLEASE COME SOONER.

-allie

And by the way,

Hello September!

I hope my birth month will be nice to me.