My Christian Life and Bible Study

I became a Christian back when I was in 5th grade, and it is always a sweet and comforting thing to remember, that I am saved. 

I have been active in youth fellowships since then up to high school, or at the very least, I have been attending youth fellowships. I have joined my brothers and sisters in Christ in activities that are refreshing to the soul, to name a few: outreach and feeding programs, fund raising, garage sales, summer camps, summer bible study volunteering as assistant teacher, mall evangelism, and etc. 

When I reached college, it was harder to fit in the schedule and it took more effort that I apparently was not able to give. Also, I had to fetch my mom from work which added to the conflict in time. All in all, I was out of it and before I was even aware of it, I was backsliding. 

Being a Christian does not mean you are perfect and better than other people who are yet to be saved, sometimes some Christians even have it bad. A few of us carry a burden to live up to people's standards of what a Christian should be, and on top of that we have to live up to what we think a Christian should be, and what we think we should be for our Lord. It is a daily struggle, for some if not for all. It is like how some people describe love as a daily decision, you decide to love and keep loving. As Christians, it is a constant decision to walk in the right path and to aim heavenward. Our human nature and flaws of course are given obstacles, but then again obstacles are there to be conquered. 

After college or finishing up college rather, we went to the states and I remember thinking "finally! a chance to find a fellowship group and grow again!", but that of course did not happen as I got too preoccupied with adjusting and with work. All just excuses really. 

Last week, I attended a fellowship my friend from my old fellowship goes to. We grew up as Christian brothers and sisters. I actually blew off the first two or three time of going, either I was too late or I was not able to wake up. Last week I even ran late, but I just went and got over with going there for the first time. It was a nice familiar feeling, and yet new and refreshing at the same time. Different church, different crowd, yet within an hour or so, I poured out to them a heavy burden about me, my personal life, and my family. A bunch of strangers really and I dropped a personal burden, but then again, we are siblings in Christ, and that was very comforting. I even really looked forward to this Thursday. 

Earlier today after work, I went to the gym and trained, also tried boxing for the first time and did basic footwork movements and jab - speed punches. I tired myself enough to have a good sleep with the four hours I had, and I prayed that I be able to wake up for bible study. And thankfully I did. It was very easy for me to just turn off the alarm and doze off again, but I thank God for the hunger for His word that I felt, that I stood up and got ready.

Meat of the matter: Earlier we read and discussed Matthew 6: 5-15.

Matthew 6: 5-8 "[5] And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. [6] But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. [7] And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. [8] Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

What we discussed and got out of the reading:

Verse 5: Pastor said that actors before we referred to or called as hypocrites. So in the verse it is like these people are just acting, praying beautifully in front of the people to impress and show off, but behind it all lacks intimacy and sincerity, and the real connection to God. These people have received their reward which are praises and adoration from others with comments like "he/she is such a good Christian", "he/she is so religious  and spiritual", and etc. They pray in front of people and put up a facade of being so holy, but behind it there is no heart and sincerity. All just for show. 

Verse 6: It does not literally mean go into your room and pray in secret, because it does not matter where you are. What this verse is trying to say is have the heart when you pray, and pray to pray and not to impress people. The Father sees what is truly in our hearts and we will be rewarded accordingly.  

Verse 7: This would refer to a few of us Christians who tend to pray with flowery words to again, impress people. We sometimes beat around the bush before getting to the point of what we are really praying for and we tend to use big words just to impress people with our wide vocabulary. Babbling, saying words and not really meaning them.

Verse 8: Our Father knows what we need even before we ask Him. He knows what is in our hearts. All the acting and praying for show is useless because God sees our true intentions and sees what is in our hearts. We cannot hide from Him. 

• When we pray, God sees our intention. When we pray, we should make sure and maybe question our intentions.
• Flowery words are not necessary, it is best to states and declare clearly what we are praying for.
• We should be mindful of our prayers, and be as theologically correct or in line with the bible as possible, not like i.e. "Thank you for dying on the cross for us oh Father" - It was Jesus, the Son who died for our since, not the Father. 
• Make sure your prayers are correct and do not just pray for the sake of praying, i.e. praying over a fast-food meal to nourish your body, instead pray that it will satisfy your hunger - that would be better.
• Praying with intimacy, the heart, and sincerity. God sees your heart. Pray not out of routine, pray with heart.

These were the few highlights of our group discussion. I finished bible study feeling refreshed. And already I am excited for next week Thursday! I worry though when I leave for the states that I backslide again. It is a constant battle to keep on growing. I once heard our pastor before say that if you are not growing and not moving forward, you are moving backward and backsliding. 

Again in this session of bible study, I poured in a little heart and told them how it was, backsliding and all. It was as if God had a pager, and I was sending Him messages and He was receiving it. I keep talking and talking without listening to Him, to His words. And even in those times I am unfaithful, I know, truly know that He is faithful and He never left me. I still felt His blessing in my life even when I stopped reading my bible and stopped communicating with Him, if not to ask and ask some more. But He never left me, He was constantly giving me love and blessing. And as I was professing this, I felt I was close to tears. My God is an awesome God. 

PS: Noj also gave me my Starbucks planner today. Yey! Now to continue collecting stickers for my sister's planner.

PSS: Congratulations to all board passer! Hello Engineers! :) God is good.

Where do I go from here?

I have friends pursuing careers, batch mates getting married or engaged, and a few venturing into their own businesses. What about me? 

A lot of people have wondered why I am here when I can be in the states. Some people think it's silly how a few do anything just so they can get out of here and yet here I am, willing and on my own choosing to stay. People assume that I am here for my boyfriend, I partly am and I will be lying if I deny it, but I have a deeper reason as well. I am here because, as I have mentioned before, I want a taste of independence. 

I could have stayed in New York when we visited last December, or could have moved to Minnesota with my uncle and grandmother (okay, maybe not), or maybe stayed in California with relatives. I did not and do not like Seattle as much as I am supposed to and I also wanted to try and get away from my family. I love my family dearly, but I feel as though I need to be away to feel independent and to feel the way a twenty something year old person should feel. 

My parents said if I wanted to live in a different state, they would rather have me be back here, at home- where we have a house, a car, and a house help. Basically, I am all set-up here as oppose to staying at a different state. Plus, this place is more predictable to us, being as we have lived here for most of our lives. But as I am here, I honestly do not feel as independent as I expected to feel. Sure I pay for my gas, my eat-outs, my movies, my "shopping", and all else, but my father still pays for electricity, water, and food at home. And even with that I am not able to save as much as I should have. Gas is burning up my wallet really, and plus my wanting to not stay home at an empty house is adding to my expenses as well. 

I signed up at Citigym, and that has been keeping me occupied for the past few weeks. It is where I spend my times alone when boyfriend is working. I have been attending yoga, cardio kickboxing, and zumba classes. I am enjoying yoga more than expected. My month at the gym is almost up and I will be leaving for the holidays soon. 

So now, the question and crossroads I am face with: Where do I go from here? When I go to the states for the holidays, a lot of people are expecting me not to come back. I do not want to either if I find a good and stable job while I am in the US but I want to come back to formally end things with the company, if ever. But honestly, I really do not like my job. The company is fine, it is the job I cannot stand. It is a very easy "technical support engineer" job that makes me feel useless and unimportant to the company. In my resume, I wrote under objective: "To secure a position in a reliable company where I will be able to utilize my organizational skills, improve my competency in the array of skills I currently possess, and to have the privilege of learning and growing as a professional individual. And to be a valued and effective employee, able to deliver and excel in what is asked for." But I do not feel like I am growing here. A lot of idle time, sure I can use to learn to code if I really wanted to, but in the wee hours I am working in it is just harder. Makes me wonder if I really want to code. I believe if you really want something, you find a way to get it and use all means available to you. Coding just does not come as naturally to me. It can get frustrating, it has been frustrating. 

So for the third time, as I keep derailing my thoughts from the subject at hand: Where do I go from here? I can stay in the US, find a stable job, and petition Elwin. I can come back, continue until I reach one year and ask to be transferred to the California office and if not quit, or I can try something else like a different career path. All these possibilities and more have been playing in my mind. I was thinking of pursuing something in the advertising department, administrative department, and even going back to school for a master's degree or a different course? Then again, there is the matter of money. I will just pray God's will be made clear to me and that I will be walking on the path He chose for me. 

I am blessed I have all these options available to me, but it is currently giving me a headache. I do not know what to choose and what to do. Uncertainty is always frustrating, all the more at this point in my life because what I choose could be or is a defining moment. I guess I thought venting it all out on here would help. I think it did, I hope it did. 

Yoga and Problems

Today I tried Yoga. 

Never, before yesterday, did I imagine myself trying out Yoga. I thought it was just one of those things people do out of fad, like drinking Milk Tea. At one point, I honestly even thought it was a joke. Well, Yoga punished me for thinking such things. 

After a meeting with Jaye, we went and joined a Yoga class at CitiGym. I never really bothered much about Yoga, did not Google it or anything, my interest about it was close to zero. I thought the session would include meditating, deep breathing, channeling my inner Chi, and the like (easy and light stuff). Although we did a few of those, sort of, we did more! I did not expect to sweat in a Yoga session, or feel my muscles burn. For a beginner like me, I could say that was almost intense. We did "Flow Yoga", and no, I do not have an idea what that was. I did like the stretching, and I am hopeful I may shape up some abs through Yoga too. Wow. My whole idea of Yoga totally changed. It was challenging! 

I met up with Jaye at around 1PM at CitiGym. I enrolled myself prior to her arrival. I am quite impressed with the environment, facility, and staff. I paid 1350php and got my picture ID on the same day. Compared to the 1500php I paid for a month of membership at MetroSports with no card or feel of exclusivity, this was a sweet deal. MetroSports was a sad buy and one I regret, I only went there three or four times and on top of that, hit the cement post during one of my rainy day visits. My membership at CitiGym includes all the classes I wish to attend, i.e.: Yoga, Hip-Hop, Kickboxing, Strip Tease, and etc. Also, personal lockers during the duration of your visit; lockers with convenient lock systems and keys which you can wear around the wrist like a watch, hassle-free. We are provided small and big towels, plastic cups and water, we can use a proper shower with soap dispenser in it, and the sauna (I am yet to try!).

My Picture ID

Mindful Menu Movement

(Class list and schedules)

I wish I found out about this gym sooner! You have to admit, the place where it is located at: Waterfront Hotel, makes it intimidating. One can easily assume a very steep price for their membership packages. I do not know for how long they will have this 1350php/ month membership, I do know they offer it for all those 23 yrs or younger.

Also, one thing I notice even more now about myself is that I am a bit socially awkward and self-conscious. (Maybe I thought those through in Yoga session? Not sure.) I admire how some people go to gyms (or other places) so easily on their own, doing their thing and not caring how they look to others. I want that. I would dare have it if I did not know anyone at the gym. I badly wished I did not know anyone there, but just from the first visit alone, I spotted 4 people I know and said hi to, and 3 people whose faces I know because they were my schoolmate. Plus, 1 more person confirmed who goes to that gym and another whom I am not in good terms with. Now that I have pointed out these problems, I pray the Lord helps me face them and correct them. I am only hoping however, that I will not be running into those familiar faces, or any more familiar faces, and especially those I'm not in good terms with. Since I am new, it will take some time to adjust, place myself, and be comfortable moving about the gym alone. I also did not have rubber shoes, so Yoga was the only option. My rubber shoes are old and have served their time, and there is one I can use but needs washing. 

I hope, unlike the 1500php I spent on MetroSports, that I will be able to make full use of my money's worth this time, stop being socially awkward, and stop being so self-conscious. Why am I so awkward with meeting familiar faces and friends in unplanned situations? Something is wrong, and it is only now I am really concerned.  

End Goal: to have a fit body and the abs I have always wanted to have or flat belly at the very least :) It is a long shot, but maybe if I overcome my problems (which is also an end goal) I can attain it. 

I love the feeling of sweating because you are actually doing something, as opposed to sweating due to hot weather.

PS: It seems I am not alone with wanting to go to a gym wherein I do not know any familiar faces. Noj apparently, prefers the same because he is embarrassed as well.

PSS: For the most time at the gym, we spent it on Internet and food! We went to McDo I.T. Park to eat around 3PM. :)

Home

I am terribly confused where home is right now. They say home is where the heart is, but my heart is both at Seattle WA with my family and here in Cebu with my boyfriend. 

                                      

 

I never thought I'd miss Seattle. It really didn't seem like home at all while I was there. I had my family with me and that was all the home I had there. We lived with our uncle and we don't have our own place. My sister's tuition fee was three times that of the local American's, it was a new place to us to live in, new start, and for the first few months we had to get by with just one income coming in. We are past that and with God's help, we got by fine. Our family is now in a better state, both financially and emotionally speaking. 

I see my sister and mom upload photos, and I also browse through old ones while I was living there with them. And it's weird, I find myself thinking "I miss home". Or how I'm so excited to fly "home" to my family for the Christmas holidays. I never thought that I thought of Seattle as home, but now that I find myself missing my family and the routines I had while I lived there, I guess you could call it my home too. 

The house here doesn't feel like much of a home, apart from the memories of course. I come home to an empty house. I have my aunt who helps manage my dad's business here, and our 2 house help who takes care of the house and me. Our house help doesn't clean as much and work as efficiently as before. Of course it's different that my parents aren't here. Each time I am with my boyfriend, that feels like home.

I just need to be patient and hopefully both my family and boyfriend will be in one place, that would also mean my boyfriend leaving his family though. But that is far ahead so we'll both deal with that when the time comes. 

Currently I plan on going on a one moth offsite work arrangement to spend Christmas holidays with my family. Also, if in a year's time I still find myself in my current situation in terms of career, I'll probably plan on flying off to the US to work there. As for my boyfriend, he'll follow when he's ready.

I guess home is indeed where the heart is, and lucky for me, I have a lot of home to go home to. :)

Thank you, Jesus.

Graveyard Shift, Day 1

I was one to always found graveyard shifts interesting. I always wondered how odd it would be to be up when everyone's asleep and asleep when everyone else was up. Well now, I got to experience it. 

Back when I used to work in Tacobell in the US, I did a lot of closing shifts, especially at the end part of my being employed there. I however did not feel much of it because I didn't have friends there, no social life, and I really didn't care much for the time there. 

I think graveyard shifts suits me well because I am nocturnal and I love coffee. But even so, I'm not saying that the late night shift didn't take its toll on me. I have some adjusting to deal with. 

Coffee

My Duty-mate 

 From boyfriend, bought the day before :)

Before the shift began I started my day at 8AM, I woke up that early from my 4AM sleep and did some errands (shipping and groceries). After which I kept myself busy, making siomai and cooking my own lunch (fried rice with spicy chorizo, iced tea to drink). I didn't want to sleep too early because I'd end up waking up too early. I was in bed by 11AM-12PM reading my eBook (Slammed) up until around 3PM. I slept in and my bladder woke me up at around 6:30PM. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep. I was hungry so I went down to eat. I went back up hoping to sleep in until 10PM, but that was a fail.  

At work I found myself confused as to what time I should eat. So when I felt sort of hungry and I feel it was too early to eat my meal, I'd be eating all sorts of things. And when time came I decided to finally eat my meal at around 5AM, work got busy and I didn't finish eating until 7AM. I didn't even finish the food because I lost appetite. Earlier hours of the shift, I busied myself with the free online course I enrolled in. 

Studying

Stuff I ate:

Meal

It was interesting to see the crowd from slowly increase as the sun rose. The sky's interesting color change was also a sight even from inside the building. 

I ended the shift feeling like I was floating and I felt a bit light-headed. I drove home and it was weird. I was driving home to my bed whilst everyone else around was just getting ready to head off to school and work. They just started their day and I just ended mine. 

At home, I didn't eat but had milo to drink. I stayed in bed, relaxing and enjoying my eBook until 11:30AM. I slept in and my bladder, again and consistently, woke me up at 6:30PM. I went to have dinner and I watched TV, cleaned up a little and took a shower. I was ready to head out for work before 10PM. I took my time driving to work, and it was nice. Now I am at day 2 of my graveyard shift.

This had been very detailed for my own sake as I blog for myself. :) I like back reading to my old posts, reliving a few moments again, and seeing how much I've changed.  

Lechon, Cloud 9, and HON

My yaya (yes, I feel yaya has a more endearing sound to it compared to house help) forgot to pack my viand today. I only had rice and banana. I usually eat lunch after I get to work and have settle everything (i.e., checked my work mail, open all the software and accounts needed to be opened). I have been eating lunch at around 5PM lately. It was raining very hard so I could not very well go out and buy some viand for myself. There might be something on the 3rd floor of this building, but I was not very fond of the food stalls up there, aside from the canteen which was close on weekends. So I messaged boyfriend if he could ask the food stall vendor on their building if they would be so kind as to deliver some food to our building. I wanted to eat some lechon, one of my favorite food and one of the food Cebu is best known for. Boyfriend said he would personally deliver the food himself. :) 

I was on Skype with my mom and boyfriend delivered my food with extra Cloud 9! I love eating sweets to close my appetite. I got that whole habit from my mother. I had free lechon and Cloud 9 from a sweet boyfriend. :)

After an hour or so, boyfriend was done with his job and he came over to my work place with me. I asked permission from my colleagues in advance that he might be coming over. On Saturdays I work alone at the Techbar. And I can not help but feel like a fish in a giant aquarium sometimes. Our office has a big glass window where people outside could see us from in here. So yes, kind of makes me feel like a fish sometimes. 

Currently: Boyfriend is playing HON whilst I am blogging. :)

 HONing

BLOGging

I am usually alone on my Saturday shifts, but I am glad boyfriend is here tonight to keep me company with his game noises and exclaims of frustrations or being excited over the game. Next shift is at 11PM but they usually get here around 10. This is my last night with this shift, last night I am off at midnight. Next week I will be starting my 11PM - 8AM shift, and that shift will run up to 3 months I think, longer than the usual 2 months. 

Current read: Slammed by Colleen Hoover, as recommended by an officemate. Also a high rating on http://www.goodreads.com 

eBooking to save money

Today before I went to bed a little after 6AM, I just finished Kira-Kira by Cynthia Kadohata.

I'm off to contniue munching on my Cloud 9 and reading my eBook,

Allie

Love We Deserve

So I have seen about two Facebook statuses that quote from the book or movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower

We accept the love we think we deserve.

And I commented on one of those who posted it up as a status: 

and in turn, does that mean we also expect/ ask for the love we think we deserve? :)

I truly am curious about the matter. If we only accept the love we think we deserve, does that give other the right to demand for the love they think they deserve? It is after all a two-way street right? And who is to judge as to what amount of love we rightfully deserve? 

I know however much I will love our Lord, I can never even by a quarter fulfill the love he so more than deserves. With that in mind, who is to say that the person isn't giving you all the love that he/she can give? What if he/she has given her all but it still isn't enough for you, or for the love you think you "deserve"? Maybe in most cases, we just give what we can and however much love we want to give and take in return however much love is given back to us. Love after all isn't self-seeking right? 

1 Corinthians 13: 1-13

If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Love and let love, 

Allie